It’s been awhile since I have been in the blogging world. I haven’t done much writing or reading on blogs. I honestly haven’t done much talking either. I want to share with all of you some of the things I have been dealing with these past few months.
As some of you may know, I have spent my freshmen year back in public school. The previous three years I have been home schooled at my Mom’s local children’s boutique. I still haven’t caught my breath, the thought hasn’t sunk in. It’s as if that part of me or that life was simply put on pause and I just started somewhere else. And now I feel as if I need to go back and finish that part, make the correct transition into the sudden change. I look back on those three years and think how that could have been me or how is this me now.
I remember vividly the day my mom told us that she wanted to apply for the teaching position at the high school. Being a Home EC. teacher had always been her dream. I can recall the feeling of excitement and fear, all at once, of being back in a public school. The thought felt unreal, as if it would never happen. And now I look at myself and still ask the same question, “What happened?”
The only thing on my mind, when I was told of the possibility, was how God was going to use me. How strong and firm I would be….. How much joy I would bring to my friend's life….. And most of all how brightly I would shine. But I look at myself now and my motives and see that I am not accomplishing what I intended. I am not where I once was.
The enemy knew my plan right away. And of course, he hated it. He wanted it destroyed. He went to work very quickly. I struggled all summer with bad days; with trials and battles. I stayed strong for the most part. Kept reading my bible, praying, and telling God that I wanted to shine when I arrived at school on my first day in high school. The first day came, I felt Him with me and overall strong. I must tell you that I have a virus called Epstein Bar Virus which means I am always tired, having little energy. Anyways, I began school and sat in my classes thinking “Is this really happening?” “Am I really here?”
As school progressed, I still struggled with the same battles, had the stress of school, and felt the realization of just how difficult it would be to function with my virus. I was stressed, busy, and tired. All a perfect combination for the enemy to attack. I was weak spiritually and even though I was praying constantly, I wasn’t deep into my bible studying. I was weak.
I had basically shut down. I haven’t talked very much because my mind is always racing. I smile and try to be happy, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling exhausted, all the trials, and feeling alone. I looked at myself every day and thought “This wasn’t the plan.” I am supposed to be overflowing with joy and God’s strength. We know it is God’s plan that the four of us are here so why do I feel so empty? This is a time when I am supposed to be at a high point in my spiritual walk with God, but yet I feel as if He is making me feel as low as possible.
“God, what are you doing?” “How am I possibly going to get through this?” “Lord, I know I am not strong enough at this point in my spiritual walk to handle all of this.” “I just can’t.”
I could barely breathe. There were days that I would feel God’s strength so strongly. I felt a glimpse of the answer to everything, but would get knocked back down and hit with something else. Even on my strongest days, I felt doubt that I couldn’t possibly be finished with all the trials. There had to be more, and would it ever really end. I knew I needed to dive deeper into my bible, but didn’t know where to go. Some mornings I would watch Charles Stanley trying to ease my doubts and pains. Most of my sufferings came from my thoughts. I prayed that God would make me stronger, pure, and learn the lesson to which He obviously wanted me to grasp. I have felt this whole time that it is coming, the time in which God would reveal himself to me in a way words could never describe, and I would hear his whisper “Your faith has made you well, go in peace.”
I still struggle. Hard. Some days it takes a lot to admit you are hurting; that you need prayers. You feel like shutting yourself out because it couldn’t possibly get better. The trials still surround me and I look to God for his strength. I won’t give up. He has a plan and a plan I want to fulfill. I ask for all of your prayers.
Never Give Up. Hold On.
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Psalm 46:5